i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
