I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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