the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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