Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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