Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
