There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
