i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
