My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
