I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
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I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
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He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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