I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
