We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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