remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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