I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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