He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
