he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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