I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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