I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
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Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
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You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize