I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
