Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
