I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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