Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
