btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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