my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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