Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
