I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
