Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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