What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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