absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
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Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
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Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it