Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich

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(248): View more from Michigan

I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Totally get that.

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(352): View more from Florida

My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.

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23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
Read it at the TFLN blog
(636): View more from Missouri

Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.

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(607): View more from New York

Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.

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