You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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