I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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