Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
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If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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