and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
