Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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