I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
