I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
