I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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