Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
