Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
