a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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