Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
