i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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