I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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