I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
