I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
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The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
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The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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