she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
