Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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