I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
