6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
