I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
