i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
