I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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