I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
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