you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
