Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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