I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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