I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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