I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I'm both gender and math confused
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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