The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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