I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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