I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
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