Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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