Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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