So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
