gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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