If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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