my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I can't put those talents on a resume
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
